As a child, I never thought about marriage or having children of my own. I was far into a rebellious phase. (sorry ma!) Even as I got into high school, love was not close to being on my mind. I saw friends after friends get into and out of relationships.
During dance class, the teacher asked us to pair into partners. We would pick out a card from a pile and each answer it. It was a learning exercise, to get to know our classmates more. I, of course was a blabbering idiot.
“What is your dream house like?” One of the questions read.
I looked at my partner dumbfounded. I am in high school, why would I ever think about owning a house yet. I did not even know what I wanted to go to college for, let alone what to eat for lunch. I thought about it for a minute, what kind of house would make me happy?
I knew not a big house; too many rooms would annoy me. What would I do with tons of room? I did not want it too far from the city but not right in it either. Therefore, I simply said, “I want my house, to be my home.” I could not imagine my house without being able to feel happy in it. I knew inside my heart that the only house that could ever be right would be one filled with love, memories and that made me feel home.
The next question only drove my insanity higher. “What do you look for in a future partner?” I cursed under my breath, these questions required brainpower that did not exist in me. “What do you see in your future?” I waved the white flag; I could not drag on my answers. I hardly had enough thoughts to compile a decent response. Everyone around me seemed to have his or her lives all figured out.
I felt strange, for the first time in my life. Why was I so different from everyone else? I did not know what kind of house I wanted, what I looked for in someone else, or what my future would be like.
This year I came to realize why I never forgot this experience and why I had no answers. It made sense eventually, because of one reason.
I never had been in love with myself.
No, I am not letting my ego take over. I am clearly the coolest most, clueless person ever.
I began to pay attention to myself this year. It is important to look after yourself, accept and find in yourself the beauty you hold. Slowly I have taken steps to begin a fresh and great relationship with myself.
I took the time to reflect on what I love, like about whom I am. I took time to realize I am not perfect but that does not mean my flaws make me a bad person. I had to move on from hiding who I was.
I leave notes all over the house with inspiring quotes or sweet sayings, sometimes even compliments.“Yes, you are a sexy beast regardless of the state of your hair.”
Often they make me laugh, smile and bring a little joy into my day. Gradually I have begun to love myself and I could not be happier in this relationship. I treat myself, I fight with myself but most of all like any relationship I work with myself. I put effort into maintaining something that is worth fighting for.
I reference that a lot, about fighting for yourself because you deserve too. Because you are worth it. I shared this post to explain more on those reasons why I say this. I could not see a future for myself or know what I wanted because I was terrified of using my own eyes to see myself. I had lived inside this shell for so long I lost one of the most important relationships someone should have.
The one with yourself. I could not love someone else if I did not learn to love me. Therefore, this is why I will never fall in love but rather why one day I will be in love, with someone other than myself. (A sexy beast, obviously high standards to live up to future person)